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MOVIE CHEAT SHEET: One Dark Knight needed

With Ben Affleck begging off playing Batman, is the time right for an Adam West return. Noooo, we're kidding. DC COMICS

With Ben Affleck begging off playing Batman, is the time right for an Adam West return. Noooo, we're kidding. DC COMICS


The Big Story:

 Dream Casting: The Next Batman

Just a couple weeks after quitting as the film’s director, rumours are now swirling Ben Affleck wants to ditch the cowl and completely bail on the upcoming solo Batman flick. If this buzz is true, pop some bottles, people. It would be the best possible news for this disgraced franchise that is in desperate need of an overhaul after all of the recent DC garbage that Warner has pumped out (minus The LEGO Batman Movie, of course). Since the studio obviously took my suggestion a couple weeks back (wink), and replaced Affleck in the director’s chair with Matt Reeves, I’ve decided to continue my dream casting hot streak. Here’s my list of actors that I think could trump Affleck as the Caped Crusader, when Ben inevitably hands back the Kevlar. Take note, Warner.

Keanu Reeves

If we’re sticking with an older Batman, Keanu fits the part. He has the whole stoic, badass shtick down to a science (hello, John Wick). He can also easily pull off a suave, emotionally damaged Bruce Wayne.

Ryan Gosling

I’m not talking La La Land Gosling. I’m talking Drive Gosling, only with more reps at the gym. He’s the perfect combo of debonair and badass.

Jake Gyllenhaal

Dark and brooding is what Jake does best. He’d make a solid broken billionaire, and look cool in the cowl.

Michael C. Hall

I really like the idea of tortured soul Dexter moving on to become tortured soul Bruce Wayne. He’d certainly be a ruthless Dark Knight, with a side of charm.

Honourable Mention: Michael Fassbender

How awesome would Fassbender be as both Bruce Wayne and Batman? He’d be the perfect fit for the role. Unfortunately, that whole X-Men/Marvel contract thing gets in the way.

Love Actually mini-sequel

Whether you loved Love Actually or found it to be a sugary gag-fest, a sequel is en route. And it’s so short that all you gaggers don’t have to be concerned. A collection of the film’s biggest stars, from Hugh Grant to Rowan Atkinson, are reuniting with writer-director Richard Curtis for a 10-minute sequel in the name of children’s charity. The short, called Red Nose Day Actually, will be made in honour of this year’s Red Nose Day in the U.K. It will revisit the film’s beloved (or loathed) characters, and “discover what they’re up to in 2017.” Neat, I guess.

Mel Gibson’s Suicide Squad?

It wouldn’t be a week in film news without a WTF moment, so here it is. Notorious sexist, racist, anti-Semitic d-bag Mel Gibson “is early in talks” with Warner Bros. to direct Suicide Squad 2. And for a minute there, we all thought we couldn’t hate a Suicide Squad film more than the first one.

Generous Kong

If you’re going to see Kong: Skull Island in a couple weeks, like me, make sure to keep your butt planted for the credits. Something giant awaits us (no pun intended.) The film features a mid-credit sequence that will be every kaiju fan’s dream. Apparently, we will get our first teaser of the Godzilla vs. Kong crossover flick that’s coming our way in the not so distant future. That giant gorilla is so damn good to us.

Reply All: the movie

As insufferably nerdy as the Reply All podcast is, it has actually spawned something cool. We’re talking about a movie directed by Richard Linklater, starring Robert Downey Jr. Linklater and Downey Jr. will adapt the Man of the People episode of the podcast, which tells the story of a 20th-century con man named Dr. John Brinkley, “who scams his way to fame and fortune using fake medicine, populism and the newest technology of the time: radio.” Sounds like vintage RDJ to me. I hate to admit it, but I’m looking forward to this.

Dino Rights?

Besides the cash grab, I’ve never understood the point of sequels in the Jurassic Park universe. They’re all the same. Stupid humans get cocky with their park full of man-made, captive dinosaurs. A sloppy accident sets the angry dinos free, and they end up eating 95% of the cast. Snooze. Finally, for Jurassic World 2 (which is now in production), the narrative is changing. Instead of what we’ve seen four times already, the next edition is said to reflect our current political times and explore the ethical rights of dinosaurs. Yep, the rights of the bloodthirsty Tyrannosauruses and mean Velociraptors that we’ve seen kill nearly everybody in the previous films. I bet you 20 bucks they still get free and eat everyone in this flick, too.


As bad as it looks: The Great Wall

If you thought The Great Wall took a heavy beating with all of the whitewashing accusations that lead up to its release, that was just the beginning. The movie itself sucks. Critics are calling the action flick stiff, dull, and void of any of Zhang Yimou’s signature magic. It is easily Matt Damon’s worst blockbuster. Skip it.

Ailing: A Cure For Wellness

More like ‘poison for a promising flick.’ Critics are saying that A Cure For Wellness is painfully long and predictable. You’ve seen all of these twists and scares before, only done way better. Avoid this movie like the plague ... unless you’re into 146 minutes of second-rate horror.

As Risky as it gets: Fist Fight

Why am I not surprised that reviews are being held back on a comedy that features Charlie Day and Ice Cube as rival teachers that get into an after-school fist fight? It’s guaranteed to be stupid. But if you like your dumb, stoner humour, have at it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.